The Crisis of the “Quarter-Life Crisis”
Monday, April 25, 2011
Several years ago someone forwarded me an email that described a new phenomena called the ‘Quater-Life Crisis.’ It’s premise was simple: we previous had identified what a ‘Mid-Life Crisis’ was, but we were beginning to see twenty and thirty somethings experience similar crises. These crises were dubbed to be the struggles of ‘quarter-life’. I wrote the following in response.
The Crisis of the “Quarter Life Crisis”
Somewhere along the way someone promised everyone ‘tomorrow’.
Somewhere along the way we were supposed to make more money than our parents, be happier, more fulfilled, wiser, more sensitive and more open-minded. Somewhere along the way we decided that the script was up to us.
So we planned…
and we dreamed…
and we educated ourselves…
and we got the best degree…
and we made all the contacts…
and we shook all the hands…
and we smiled at all the parties…
and we started climbing to the top…
We defined the ‘top’
It was money.
It was success.
It was happiness.
It was marriage.
It was children.
It was every page out of every L.L. Bean catalog we’ve ever seen.
Sitting by the fire with a golden retriever.
Having a snowball fight with a model.
Having a coy look at our fiancé on a wharf in Nantucket.
Sipping cider from a $225 cast Iron pot with a pine cone painted on the side of it.
That was the top.
But on the way up something happened.
We met people coming down.
Money wasn’t enough, or there fast enough, or it was just spent as soon as it was acquired.
They weren’t successful at being ‘successes’.
People wanted them to work, labor, sweat, and earn respect.
A college degree and 2 years of Poly-Sci wasn’t enough to make them the office expert.
Happiness was making them very unhappy.
Sad things happened to them.
They weren’t supposed to….other people got cancer, other people’s parent’s divorced or died, other people had their hearts broken.
But we started to realize we we’re the ‘other’ people.
Marriages were tumbling down.
There were friends with 2 year old children who had step-mommies and step-daddies.
The 50% divorce rate was not supposed to affect my life, my friends.
I never dreamed that half of the weddings I was IN would end in divorce.
There were lots of people on the way down, lots of them.
And so we hoped for tomorrow, a better day, a better job, a better marriage, a better life.
Somewhere, someplace, somehow we would get to ‘happiness’.
Everyone else must have been wrong.
It must have been them.
It must have been their parents.
Everyone else is screwed up.
But in the back of our seared consciences there is a nagging thought, like a hair in our mouths, that maybe, just maybe, it’s us.
We’ve seen glimpses of it.
Anger,
Selfishness,
Bitterness,
Pride,
Envy,
and deceit.
But we ALWAYS plugged our ears.
And it never went away- a hollow groan from our souls telling us that it WAS us.
We used to joke with friends saying, “It’s all about me.” But it really was.
Depressed.
Lonely.
Sad.
Discouraged.
Let down by our own dreams.
And we we’re only 20-something.
And then someone called it the ‘Quarter-Life Crisis’.
And we said, “Yes!”
That’s it!
That’s how I feel!
That is my life!
Just one question:
Are you sure it’s “Quarter-life”?
Who promised everyone tomorrow?
Why is today not your 1/2 life crisis or the 3/4 life crisis or the ‘life’ crisis?
Somewhere, even in our diagnosis, the disease shows up again.
It’s only ‘Quarter-Life’ we say.
It won’t always be like this.
Keep climbing.
Keep going.
The people coming down are the exceptions, not the rule.
It’s only ‘Quarter-Life’.
Maybe the echoes of emptiness from all the relationships, jobs, and toys were just shallow echos.
Maybe this isn’t the way up, maybe this is actually the way down.
Maybe the broken, empty people are closer to the truth, than the idealistic ones on the way ‘up’.
Maybe the bottom is much further down.
There is a “Mid-Life” Crisis you know.
It comes after the “Quarter-life” crisis.
How could that be?
Could it be that things get worse, not better?
Could it be that after all these crises we’re still NOT there yet…
Why do old people talk so much?
Why do they sit in parks and watch the birds?
Why do they take an hour to eat a meal?
Why do they still write letters with paper and pen?
Maybe that’s what Solomon knew.
Meaningless, Meaningless, he said. It is all a ‘chasing after the wind’.
Money.
Jobs.
Marriage.
Good Kids.
Vacation homes.
Nice cars.
Ski boats.
and Happiness.
When you grasp for them you grasp at nothing.
Maybe the crisis is not a ‘Quarter-life’ crisis.
Maybe It’s a Life Crisis.
Maybe it is as old as Solomon.
Today is yesterday’s tomorrow.
Is it better?
Has it all worked out?
What if an entire generation of people are really as miserable as you are?
Maybe your script was wrong
Maybe your plans were miscalculated.
Maybe it was just ‘all about you.’
But maybe, just maybe the script wasn’t up to us.
Maybe the ‘Quarter-life’ crisis was a part of His script.
Maybe God hasn’t left me, maybe He’s left me with only Himself.
Maybe the emptiness of ‘Quarter-life’ is a greater blessing than finding out at ‘mid-life’.
Maybe just maybe, the quarter-life crisis isn’t really any crisis at all.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Leave a Comment
Commenting is not available in this channel entry.Jean's Tweets
Recommended Reading
-
“Jesus + Nothing = Everything will remind you of the ancient yet ever-fresh truth that everything we need is found in the perfections of Christ—not in ourselves, not in our reputation, our relationships or wealth or accomplishments—in Christ alone. If you’ve never rested in the finished work of Christ this book is for you. If you’ve rested in it for decades like I have, this book is for you, too. Why? Because we forget; And, although we love Jesus, we’re blind to the ways in which his work connects to our daily lives and we wonder why joy and zeal are foreign concepts to us.” -Elyse Fitzpatrick
-
Get ready to be bothered by the Gospel. Steve Brown teaches grace in a way that gets under your skin—- Reading Brown is like having a gospel hair in your mouth of your conscience. The more it bothers you the more beautiful the pearl produced will be
-
From the publisher: “It is a deep and rich biblical study of sanctification - how Christians grow in holiness and become more like Jesus. In a day when Christians are very prone to pursue self-help methods to grow in obedience to Christ, Walter Marshall lays out the biblical way of growth: obedience comes as Christians live by grace, in union with Christ, by faith.” This book influenced me PROFOUNDLY on the topic of sanctification. The Modern-English re-write makes this a TOP PICK for 2011!
-
I ‘accidentally’ picked up this book simply for the title alone. I grew to hate it quickly. It hit a little ‘too close to home.’ Fischer’s book plunges the scalpel of self-awareness and need for deep repentance deep into the hard hearts of Pharisees like ME!
Recommended Listening
- Redeemer Presbyterian Church
Ricky JonesRicky Jones is the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He is a trophy of grace. If you want to listen to bold preaching by a man who knows his sin, knows his weaknesses and trusts only Jesus to take what he says and use it to God’s glory then you are heading in the right direction. The preaching is bold, the preacher is humble and you will be blessed.
- Key Life Ministries
Steve BrownSteve Brown is not the most subtle guy you will ever meet. If I were to write an S.A.T. question about Steve this is how it would go: Steve Brown is to legalism what a child hopped-up on cake and ice cream is to an pinata! I love this guy. Check out his website and fair warning: you are not heading to a ‘SAFE’ little Christian site!
- Coral Ridge Presbyterian
Tullian TchividjianAs one comment on iTunes said: “Tullian preaches the Gospel in an unadulterated and undomesitcated way…The way it should be preached!”
Recommended Links
- Mockingbird Blog
David ZahlMockingbird is a ministry that seeks to connect the Christian faith with the realities of everyday life in as fresh and down-to-earth a way possible.
- White Horse Inn
MIchael HortonWhite Horse Inn is a multimedia catalyst for reformation. We believe that each generation must rediscover and apply the gospel to their own time. We long to see a second reformation take hold of our churches and return them to the God-honoring, Christ-centered, Spirit-wrought places of worship they should be.
- On Earth as it is in Heaven
Tullian TchividjianWilliam Graham Tullian Tchividjian (pronounced cha-vi-jin) is a Florida native, the pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church in Fort Lauderdale, a visiting professor of theology at Reformed Theological Seminary, and a grandson of Billy and Ruth Graham.
- Heavenward
Scotty SmithSmith is the founding Pastor of Christ Community Church in Franklin, TN, avid writer, prolific blogger and tweeter. His nuggets of Gospel wisdom are seasoned by years of service to the Bride. He is gentle and very purposed in his every comment.
Comments
Anonymous | April 25 2011 at 11:45 am
And we live in a society - yes, a church - where we accept and endorse the pursuit of “the top” as defined above. And we label any progress in that pursuit as “the blessing of God”. How about this ideal: “there’s nothing wrong with me making the most $ I possibly can with the gifts God has given me”. Hmmm… Apart from God’s unconditional acceptance of me in Christ, I would be guilty of this blatant idolatry.
Anonymous | April 25 2011 at 1:08 pm
So what do we do?
Jean Larroux | April 26 2011 at 5:32 am
Repent.
Anonymous | April 26 2011 at 10:54 am
Matthew 13:22 (NASB)
“The one on whom seed was sown among the thorns, this is the man who hears the word, and the worry of the world and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.” (NASB)
Anonymous | April 26 2011 at 6:18 pm
I am so amazed at how this is an exact description of my life. I have struggled with this for some time. Thank you for this blog, as it reminds me to cling to the cross and bathe in His AMAZING GRACE
Anonymous | April 26 2011 at 6:45 pm
I know this is easier said than done but go Nike and just do it. Flush all of the American Dream propoganda that has been drilled into your brain since you were old enough to comprehend it. Flush it down the toilet bowl. Drop your selfish entitled attitude,lose your life and find it in Christ. Rest in knowing that God’s script for your life is perfect and then you will understand what it means to be content in Christ. Christ is Life, the rest is just details.
Jean Larroux | April 27 2011 at 5:54 am
Let me clarify what I meant by ‘repent.’ I do appreciate the spirit of the ‘JUST DO IT’ Nike post, there have been many times in my own life where I’ve just put in the mouthpiece, bit down and pushed through it with mild success for limited time periods.
The problem is our affections. Repenting is not penance. Penance is turning from sin to the opposite. If I have been stealing then I turn 180 degrees from stealing to giving. If I have been lying then I turn 180 degrees from lying to truth-telling. If I have been pursuing a me-centered life then I turn 180 degrees to an other-centered life- you get the picture.
Repentance is turning. It is 180 degrees of turning, but 180 degrees from my sin is Jesus not my just contrasting behavior. It is possible to THINK that you are repenting of a me-centered life, sell everything, move to the Amazon jungle as a missionary and do all of that for the SAME REASONS—it’s now just about benevolent, giving, serving you. Remember there was a Malibu Barbie and a Homemaker Barbie—- there can be many versions of the same you. I speak from experience.
Repenting of a me-centered life looks more like turning to Jesus than turning off your cell phone, cable T.V. and selling your car. Repentance begins to turn from the WHY behind your behavior, not just your behavior. Sure you may have been trying to ‘find the American dream’ but why? Was it security? Ease? Comfort? Licentiousness? Making your parents proud? Proving something to the world?
The fundamental question of identity must be addressed. Most of our behavior is symptomatic of deeper issues. Sure I might work late but why? Well, to make more money, okay, why? To have nice things, okay, why? Because I like nice things, okay why? Well because I do, but WHY—- at the end of the day I just want ease, comfort and recreation—-OKAY WHY? Because at the end of the day I live my entire life for ME- what do I want, when do I want it, what channel do I want to watch, what do I want for dinner, how can I get it…etc. Now we’re onto something—-
Perhaps this is why all of your interpersonal relationships keep failing: You are a selfish, self-absorbed, narcissist (chances are, if you are like me someone has probably told you that before, but you dismissed the statement and them as being wrong). Here’s the good news—- when you finally get to the ROOT PROBLEMS then Jesus can meet you there. The reason the Gospel doesn’t seem to ‘work’ for you is that you keep trying to figure out how the ‘blood of Jesus’ is supposed to deliver you from being a diligent employee (which in an of itself is actually Godly and not wrong)—- ahh, but here’s the truth, you’ve been dinking around with trying to repent of behavior instead of your heart. Jesus didn’t come to deliver you from diligent employment practices—- He came to save you from YOU- narcissistic, self-absorbed, self-obsessed you. The irony lies in the simplicity: the first and greatest commandment is Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul and strength and in this scenario we fail right out of the gate. Plain and simple this is idolatry 101. The problem is that the idol is the man in the mirror.
ASIDE: Marriage, children and age help with this for one reason: (and it’s not maturity or getting older bla, bla, bla) it has to do with exposure. Marriage, child-raising and a few extra birthdays simply EXPOSE us to more of our heart dysfunction. I begin to see more of what is wrong with me through the lens of my relationship failure with others. This is why Christianity has to be lived out in community with others—- you can’t have a cyber church because I need REAL LIFE other people to help me see that my problem isn’t with my ‘online profile’ it’s with the guy behind the profile.
Okay, I’m rambling, but you get the picture. Cheer up, you are much worse off than a simple re-invention of your personality will fix. It is going to take the surgical strikes of the grace of God leveled at the idols of your heart. It is better this way, but more painful.
P.S. the more you hate reading this the more your friends, future spouse, future children and future in-laws are praying your hear it!!!!
Please please please buy Hession’s book, “We would see Jesus” and consider getting a small group together to study some of these idolatry concepts further- TIM KELLER’S BOOK Counterfeit Gods is worth it’s weight in Gold!!!
Anonymous | May 02 2011 at 6:44 am
Interesting thread. I appreciate Jean’s clarification because a couple of the anonymouses (anonymice?) got me thinking. Is it really wrong (that is, is it really “blatant idolatry”) to use the gifts God has given me to make as much money as I can? Accumulating money is an objective amoral activity. Most of us do it one month in order to meet our expenses in the next. Accumulating “as much money as I can” is only an objective modifier of the same amoral activity. It’s exactly what I do, and most of us do, each month with each paycheck. If there was something else I could do lawfully to earn more in my 40-hr week, I probably would. Otherwise, who would ever accept a promotion, switch jobs or seek an education? There are godly reasons for passing up promotions (and ungodly reasons as well). And there are godly reasons for accepting them.
But that’s what makes Jean’s clarification so important. It’s the why behind it all. If I pass up a promotion out of pharisaic pride, or seek one for hedonistic self-gratification—that’s where the blatant idolatry lies in both cases. It’s the heart, not the money, that is the problem.
Suppose I seek to accumulate cash as quickly as possible, in embarrassing quantities, solely for the purpose of having dispensable resources for victims of disasters like the one we experienced last week? What if I accumulate as much money as possible because it is my desire to leave an inheritance for my children—hardly an ungodly pursuit (Pr. 13:22)?
Do I really need to flush the American Dream “propaganda” down the toilet? I’m actually rather enjoying it. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a land flowing with milk and honey. It’s loving the milk and honey more than the God who gave it to you that’s the problem.
Anonymous | May 03 2011 at 5:17 am
Thank you, Jean, for clarifying what you meant by “repent”. Your explanation has been a huge wake-up call for me, especially the part about living in community so I can see that my problem is my self. It really hits home especially after Wednesday, April 27 and I just get electricity on Monday so I can read this post today.
Anonymous | May 03 2011 at 9:34 am
From one ANON to another: “Is it really wrong (that is, is it really “blatant idolatry”) to use the gifts God has given me to make as much money as I can? ...”
Not theoretically. But it’s clearly wrong to WANT to: bible.cc/1_timothy/6-9.htm. It’s a matter of desire and goals and heart (Matthew 6:19-21). We see the pursuit (idolatry) of wealth under the guise of providing for family and others: that’s one reason the Scripture warns that it’s so deceptive, I think. God’s grace covers all that, and He sanctifies us along the way.